Posts Tagged ‘ask the eye’

Ask The Eye Tape Is Good For Household Problems

May 1, 2014

Dear Eye View

My boyfriend of four years and I are breaking up after a rather bitter relationship. At the worst part of the relationship, he cheated on me with someone he used to date in college. He says, and I believe, that he thought it was a mistake. Upon my request, he let her know that I’d found out and that he would not communicate with or see her anymore. She works for a corporation with a household name, and I viewed their ethics policy online. It states that members of the public and employees of the corporation can and should report any unethical use of corporation resources. There is no “statute of limitations” and it can be done anonymously. My ex-boyfriend said that he did not want me to inform the corporation that she had used the company hotel suite and comp account to carry on an affair—she paid for his drinks and his parking—because that would “bring her back into our lives.” (She had threatened to press harassment charges against me if I contacted her.) Can I file an anonymous complaint with her employer? Angry


Dear A

I understand your concern. The statute of limitations has expired on your relationship, and you should seek to have it expire on the way you deal with the world. By your own account you had a four-year bitterness fest. It was punctuated by your boyfriend seeking more pleasurable company elsewhere. What you do now is look inward and try to understand your role in this unhappiness and address that. It’s one thing, like the letter writer above, to have understandable fantasies about the grisly end of someone who broke your heart. It’s another to actually try to damage the career of a bit player in your life. On the other hand tape is good for household problems.



Ask The Eye Maybe Its Time To Open A New Chapter

April 26, 2014

Dear Eye View

When my ex and I were married, we had trouble conceiving and years of heartache. I thought our marriage was strong enough to survive this, then I discovered he was having an affair with my sister. We had a huge, traumatic confrontation and my then husband and I decided to move and make a fresh start. A few weeks after we moved, my sister gave the news that—surprise!—she was pregnant. My ex then divorced me to start a family with her. Because I’d just started a new job and had a mortgage, it was financially impossible for me to leave. I stayed in the new city by myself and eventually made friends and settled there. My parents were also very hurt and angry, but when the baby came they mellowed and reconciled. My niece is now 5 and I have never met her. We take turns attending family functions because I can’t bear to be in the same room as them. Recently my parents gently asked if I would consider having a Christmas dinner with my sister. I told them I would think about it and I really did. I took a deep breath and went on my sister’s Facebook page for the first time. There, I saw hundreds of happy pictures of them as a family. My ex-husband kissing her after she’d just given birth, photos of the happy first birthday party, family trips, etc. She was tagged in a status update from my ex: “Celebrating another amazing anniversary with my beautiful wife, thank you for giving me so much happiness and our perfect daughter.” I literally vomited after reading that. After five years, is it time for me to get over it and try to force myself to at least tolerate their company? Sick

Dear S

I understand your concern. It’s no wonder what you saw made you sick to your stomach. The violation against you was enormous. However, I don’t think you should conclude that the only way you could be with them is to have a bunch of air-sickness bags with you. So give yourself time. You may want, possibly with the help of a therapist or even a friend, to give yourself some desensitization therapy. Or maybe its time to start a new chapter. Hope this helps.




Ask The Eye Good Ambassadors For The Religious Heathens

April 26, 2014

Dear Eye View

My husband and I moved from the liberal Northeastern town we both grew up in to a small, conservative Southern one several years ago. One of the biggest adjustments has been the way people very openly talk about religion and assume that everyone else should as well. We mostly kept quiet about the fact that we don’t practice any religion and politely explain (over and over) that we’d rather not come to their churches. Our elementary school daughter recently told us that her teacher led the class in prayer each day before lunch in her public school. All the children had to bow their heads and recite a lengthy prayer. My daughter said she didn’t know if she should do it, but thought maybe it was “being a good American.” We told her that no one should ever force you to pray against your will. My husband and I wrote the principal about this and asked our child not be mentioned by name. The principal said she’d send a general reminder about not praying in class, but the tone of her email made it clear she thought we were overreacting. Our child reported the praying stopped immediately with no explanation. My husband and I think the teacher should have told the students why she shouldn’t have led them in prayer. He wants to press this issue, while I feel as long as we let our child know what’s right and wrong, we should let this go and accept this is part of where we live. Our child will be in this school for several more years. We did tell a few acquaintances about this and they said “people like us” were ruining the community of faith. Sometimes, I feel like I’m being a coward not standing up for religious tolerance.


Dear U

I understand your concern. I understand that it’s distressing to live someplace where people not only don’t respect your lack of religious belief, but make it clear you’re going to hell. Presumably for professional reasons you must live somewhere where you are out of sync with the general culture. But one problem with our country is how insulated people can be from those who don’t share their religious or political views. You may accurately feel somewhat bullied by the devout you live among, but I think you should continue to remain diplomatic in your interactions. You are being good ambassadors for heathens! I agree it is important to teach religious tolerance and free speech especially in the northeastern  schools.

Hope this helps




Ask The Eye Conjuring Up A Ghost Wedding

April 24, 2014

Dear Eye View

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and just moved in together. We’re both 30 years old and have no plans to marry. My boyfriend’s parents won’t take no for an answer, and after we move in together they asked us when we wanted the wedding. We told them we weren’t getting married, but they complained that we were being ridiculous. This crazy argument went on for a few weeks when his parents upped the crazy by a notch. They’ve booked their church for our “wedding” for next year and have also reserved a ballroom at a large hotel (deposits are due at the end of the week). They want us to decide on a band, flowers, food, etc. We told them that they can hold the wedding, but we won’t be there. My boyfriend’s mom also gave her travel agent my phone number and she’s already left a couple of messages asking when I can come in to plan our honeymoon. This is beyond weird. What else can we do to convince them that we are not getting married? My boyfriend has been as forceful with them about this as I have, so it’s not a case of us sending mixed signals. No mixed signals..

Dear NMS

I don’t have a subscription to Brides magazine, so I don’t know if they’ve covered the ins and outs of a ghost wedding. There’s probably not a lot that’s been written about the etiquette of the non-bride who is not getting married whose boyfriend’s parents have become (non)in-lawzillas. Tell his parents if they continue to plan this wedding they will need to conjure up their own bride and groom. Hope this helps




Ask The Eye You Are Never Quite Ready For What Life Delivers

April 22, 2014

Dear Eye View

I’ve been married just over two years, and if you had asked me two weeks ago I would’ve said my husband was near perfect. We’d been trying for almost a year to get pregnant, so I was over the moon to show him the positive test result. Then everything came crashing down when he asked me to take a paternity test for his “peace of mind.” I’ve never given him the slightest reason to doubt my fidelity (which he acknowledges) and he doesn’t have a history of being cheated on (although I am his first serious relationship). But he says he just can’t bond with our child until he knows for sure it’s his. I absolutely refuse to do a test during my pregnancy—there is a (very) small chance of miscarriage that I’m just not willing to take for a non-medical reason. He agreed to wait till the birth, but has now turned into a different person—distant and polite. I know that the next step is counseling, except I’m at the point that I’m not sure I even want to save the marriage. What sort of dad is he going to be if his love and trust for me is so conditional? Part of me is strongly tempted to say “You’re right, this child is not yours,” and just raise it myself. Am I overreacting?  Scared

Dear Scared

I understand your concern. There’s a strange mental disorder called Capgras delusion in which a person thinks a loved one has been replaced by an imposter. But you are actually living this—your husband has been replaced by a cold, hostile, accusatory lunatic. He doesn’t even have the excuse of having some kind of pregnancy-related hormonal disturbance. I don’t blame you for feeling, “Who is this stranger?” Your  husband is holding something back—like he has been told that he couldn’t have children. That is the only logical explanation for what he’s doing. He thinks he can’t be the father—so he was stunned when the pregnancy test was positive. On the other hand maybe he is going through a tough patch. Ask him to level with you.  Hope this helps



Ask The Eye A Friend Request On The Little Sister

April 20, 2014

My former boss at a large West Coast firm is relatively new to social media. He is a likable guy, my dad’s age, with a nice family. They hosted my own family for dinner—even for Easter—on many occasions over the years, and though we’ve moved on, my husband and I think of them warmly. As the former manager of my old firm’s popular social media accounts, I remained online friends with my old co-workers; now I’m connected to many new co-workers and friends at my new company, too. My old boss “likes” and comments on every single thing I do online. Every. Single. Thing. He’s far senior to me in our field and knowing him has proved beneficial to me professionally; I don’t wish to offend him or worse, hurt his feelings. But now he’s friend-requested my little sister and she is skeeved out. I’ve noticed he does this to other former co-workers, so this isn’t an e-stalking situation so much as it is a weird, overfamiliar breach of etiquette that, I guess, isn’t written yet. Do I say something? If so, what? I’m freely sharing these mild, not-too-personal things, and engaging with one another is the fun of social media. Just not, maybe, engaging with every single thing, at all hours of the day and night. Oh, and several people have approached me about this—folks from my old job who wonder if he’s all right, and other friends asking who the guy squatting on my page is. Little concerned

Dear LC

I understand your concern. He is an e-stalker. Please tell your sister not to accept his super-creepy request; no explanation to him is needed. This is a delicate situation for you since he likely is a reference, and he holds sway in your field. You are probably up on  social media protocol, so surely there’s a corral you can put people in who you don’t want to defriend but whom you want to have extremely limited access to your photos, updates, etc. Cordon him in there. Be sure to avoid any gifts in the mail.

Hope this helps



stalking awareness


Ask The Eye No Masters Degree Conflict? Put It On Facebook

April 17, 2014

Dear Eye View

Several years ago I was enrolled in a Ph.D. program at an Ivy League university. About halfway into my second year I fell into a deep depression. I realized my proposed dissertation was garbage, and that I didn’t want to pursue a career in academia. Somehow I passed my classes, and at the end of the school year I left abruptly. I had confided to one professor that I was unhappy. He said that my most significant paper would qualify as a master’s thesis and knew I had enough credits, so he suggested I submit it and get the master’s. I couldn’t even do that. Then my computer died and I lost most (though not all) of my work; it was one of the greatest weights ever lifted off my shoulders. Now four years later I am the happiest I have ever been, but I’m looking back with regret that I didn’t follow through. I have the knowledge that a master’s degree from a prestigious university represents, but I do not have the piece of paper. (No way can I redo the work.) My life is great and I love my new career. My work is only tangentially related to my old field, so should I just completely put this out of my mind forever? If so, how?

—Secret Master

Dear SM

I understand your concern. You claim you got depressed and your computer broke.  You sound conflicted. You write you are the happiest you have ever been but have regrets in the same sentence. One way to stop this conflict is to lie. Lie  about having a masters degree. Put it on Facebook. This should help with your conflict.  Hope this helps.





Ask The Eye Personal Trainer Giving Too Much Information

April 15, 2014

Dear Eye View

I am a woman in my mid-50s and haven’t dated in quite some time. The other night I attended an auction and met a man just a few years older than myself. When he initially approached me, he had said he was getting ready to leave, however, ended up staying another three hours. We chatted almost the entire time and when the auction was over, he said he’d like to keep in touch. He is an athlete, quite accomplished in his sport/sports (world famous and a record-holder in fact) and I was able to do a bit of research (snooping) on him, so I know he is who he said he is. I had mentioned that I was wanting to get back into the gym and could use a few pointers. The next morning, he sent me a text message asking if he could call and if so, may use the number he had from my original text message. He rang me up last night and we talked for quite a long time. We talked about my eating and workout habits and he said “Well, I will go to the gym with you, teach you what I can, but I cannot become your trainer as I don’t mix business with my social life and let’s face it, I am trying to get into your pants.” I think I said something like, “Let’s see if we get to that point, because you’re going to have to work pretty damned hard to get there.” Have I missed something? Is this typical behavior for men these days? Have women made such demands of equality that men no longer feel the need to act like gentlemen? Should I kick this fellow to the curb or tell him I was shocked at his being so forward? Or, am I being hypersensitive? Out of Circulation

Dear C

I understand your concern.You’re in your 50s and have been out of the dating scene for a long time. You know that the number of available men is small, and most of them will not be to your taste. If you remain intrigued by this cocky athlete, then go ahead and see him again. Yes, this guy’s come-on may have turned you off, but I guarantee he’s used it many times, maybe to some effect. On the other hand he may be trying to get into your pants.

Hope this helps.





Ask The Eye Boyfriend Regifter Look At The Bright Side

April 14, 2014

Dear Eye View

My boyfriend has always been terrible at giving gifts. For our eight-year anniversary I gave him lots of hints that I wanted something special. In all the previous years he gave nothing. This year he said he got me something meaningful and stupidly I got my hopes up. On our anniversary day, he gave me his—wait for it—wisdom tooth. He had to have it extracted a few weeks earlier and kept it so he could give me a “part of himself.” I’m upset beyond words. How do I teach an otherwise wonderful man how to give good gifts, without specifying exactly what I want? Wondering

Dear W

There is a list of traditional gifts for anniversaries: 1st year,paper; 25th year,silver. But I missed your boyfriend’s innovation: 8th year, enamel! Other than the fact you have been dating for 8 years and he gave you medical waste for your birthday, things could be worse. Look at the bright side.





Ask The Eye Double Parked In The Friend Zone

April 13, 2014

Dear Eye View

My husband has a close female friend—they met in college, became friends, dated briefly one summer, and then went back to being friends. She eventually married and we enjoyed hanging out as couples. My husband has lunch with her once a month or so, and they text weekly. Recently she and her husband decided to separate. During this turmoil, she has been calling and texting my husband much more often, which is understandable. Now she has asked something that makes me want to put my foot down. We all live on the West Coast, but she hails from the other side of the country. She wants to fly out there with my husband, pick up her old car, then drive all the way back with my husband. He will do just about anything for her. He helped build her a new office, picks her up from the airport, etc., so he wants to do this. He asked me for my permission, but was taken aback when I expressed concern. He feels that I should let him have a “friend” vacation since I get together for a trip with my college roommates—who are female!—once a year. I want to say no because I am really unhappy about this but I don’t want to be “the bad guy” and I don’t want my husband to think I don’t trust him. I would really appreciate some advice. Just Say No

Dear JSN

I understand your concern. Either your husband is stuck in the friend zone  or has a friend with benefits. They are either playing you for a fool, or they are fooling themselves about the likelihood of their fooling around before they reach Ohio. (I lean toward the former.) You’re right to say permission denied, but you also need to assert that this friendship is undermining your marriage. You and your husband need to do some work on putting each other first,  whether your husband is stuck in the friend zone or has a friend with benefits, you are the one being screwed.

Hope this helps..



just friends