Archive for August, 2013

Ask The Eye Parenthood Pack It Play It Or Toss It

August 25, 2013

Dear Eye View,
My elderly parents have moved down south, my father is in declining health, and I offered to help get their house in New England ready to sell. My mom is a bit of a pack rat, so I wasn’t surprised to find valuable items like wedding photos mixed in with junk. What I wasn’t prepared for was stumbling across, hidden in a drawer in her office, her personal sex toy. If I pack up this particular drawer full of stuff, my mother will know I found it. If I don’t pack it, maybe she’ll forget about it or think that it got thrown away with the other junk. So what should I do? Pack it up and play dumb, or toss it?


Dear Confused

I understand your concern. Pack it up, if a question comes up, tell her you packed her electrical ear cleaner. Hope this helps.



Bradley Manning Goes Full Primal Fear For Gender Re-Assignment

August 22, 2013

Bradley Manning, the U.S. soldier sentenced to 35 years in military prison for the biggest breach of classified documents in the nation’s history, said on Thursday he is female and wants to live as a woman named Chelsea. Manning received the sentence on Wednesday for giving more than 700,000 secret files, videos and diplomatic cables to WikiLeaks. His lawyers had argued the former Army intelligence analyst suffered a sexual identity crisis when he leaked the files while serving in Iraq in 2009 and 2010. As I transition into this next phase of my life, I want everyone to know the real me. I am Chelsea Manning, I am a female,” Manning, 25, said in the statement read by anchorwoman Savannah Guthrie on NBC News’ “Today” show

Bradley Manning and his attorney go primal fear for his reassignment.



Tiger Woods Suffers “Hotel Injury” Gets A Terrible Case of The Shanks While Refusing To Lay Up With The Big Dog

August 22, 2013

Tiger Woods enters this weekend’s Barclays, the initial event of this year’s FedEx Cup, as the favorite to win the whole deal once again. And, since it’s not a major, he’s probably going to throttle the entire field and walk away with another two-comma check.But it won’t be easy, no. Woods has taken his first lumps this playoff season before swinging a single competitive club. The culprit? A soft hotel bed.Woods skipped drives and approaches on the back nine of a Wednesday pro-am, saying that he’d suffered the injury the night before.

Tiger Woods gets a terrible case of the shanks, while refusing to lay up letting the Big Dog roam, while parring the backside nine. Obviously pronating when he should have been suppinating. Tiger Woods goes from FedEx Cup To Tin Cup.


Ask The Eye Beta Male Creep Show

August 19, 2013

Dear Eye View

I am a 24-year-old woman living in New York City. Recently, a longtime family friend of my parents came through town for business, and we made plans to go to dinner to catch up. Afterward, he wanted to see the new apartment that my parents helped me buy. After talking for a while “Dan” began steering the conversation in a strange direction, bringing up things like his disbelief in monogamy (even though he has been married for 45 years). Before I knew it, he was coming onto me. I refused his advances and we awkwardly parted ways. In a few weeks, my parents are coming to town to cheer Dan on in the New York City marathon, and they plan to throw him a celebration at my apartment. I cannot decide if I should tell my parents that Dan, a grandfather in his 60s they’ve respected for more than 30 years, tried to cheat on his wife with me. I fear that telling my parents will cause more trouble than it’s worth. It will be very uncomfortable to be around Dan, but certainly not traumatic. Should I let him off the hook or turn him in?


Dear Confused

I understand your concern. Tell your folks “Dan” hit on you and is a creepier. They probably have known it for years. If they still want to have the party at your place, let Dan get a pass wiith the “Alan Alda Beta Male  dementia card”.  Hope this helps



Journalism Graduates Do Not Read Newspapers, Like To Keep It Mainstream

August 17, 2013

The University of Georgia’s “Annual Survey of Journalism & Mass Communication Graduates,” which surveys J-School grads, their habits, salaries and the jobs they take, found that just one-third had read a newspaper the day before taking the survey. That’s a stunning drop from the 81 percent in 1994.

And in a clear sign of the times, three-quarters read news off the internet and many watched TV. And virtually all went on a social media website the day before taking the survey, which is a guide to how new journalists consume news. “As was true a year earlier, more than half of the 2012 graduates reported reading at least one blog the day before the survey. More than nine in 10 of the 2012 graduates reported checking at least one social network site the day before they returned the survey form.

Journalism graduates like to keep it mainstream.




During bin Laden Raid, Obama and “Body Man” Reggie Love Play Strategic Card Games

August 16, 2013

On the day Navy SEALs were raiding Osama bin Laden’s compound in Pakistan and killing the 9/11 mastermind, President Obama didn’t spend every moment in the White House situation room. Instead, the commander in chief played cards in a private dining room that day, too — about 15 games of spades, in fact, his former personal assistant Reggie Love recently told a UCLA forum.Most people were like down in the Situation Room and [Obama] was like, ‘I’m not going to be down there, I can’t watch this entire thing,’” Love recalled during a Q&A at an Artists & Athletes Alliance event.
Instead, Love said he, Obama, White House photographer Pete Souza, and staffer Marvin Nicholson got together in a nearby private dining room and “must have played 15 games of spades”

Obama and Reggie Love play strategy card game during Osama bin Laden.



Politicians Giving Rodeo Clowns A Bad Name

August 15, 2013

A House Republican has decided to stoke the fires of a recent controversy by inviting the rodeo clown who wore a mask of President Barack Obama to appear in his state.

The Missouri State Fair drew heavy criticism recently for its decision to feature a rodeo clown wearing a President Obama mask. What really seemed to upset people was the crowd reaction to the Obama rodeo clown, as he encouraged a bull to chase him. The strong reaction prompted the state fair to ban the Obama mask-wearing clown from future events.

However in a statement released Wednesday, Texas Republican Steve Stockman said, any rodeo in his state would be proud to have the banned clown perform. “Liberals want to bronco bust dissent. But Texans value speech, even if its speech they don’t agree with,” Stockman said. “From Molly Ivins to Louie Gohmert and every opinion between, Texans value free and open political speech.”

Politicians actually giving clowns a bad name in many different ways.




Hip Hop Community Makes Call On Football On Your Phone, Sports Illustrated On The Clock

August 11, 2013

Peyton Manning and his brother/quarterback of The New York Football Giants Eli Manning made a catchy “rap” song to promote Direct TV’s NFL streaming package (streaming package. Lawd.) Of course the internet’s loins went all aflame due to the comedy that comes from these two southern gents (read: white people) getting dressed up in their 80′s “rapper clothes” sporting funky wigs and spitting hot fire. While I can appreciate the catchy-ness of the song–unfortunately I’ve had to listen to it several times to write this and it will be stuck in my head all day–let’s dissect this a little and get to the root of what it’s really about.

Clearly, this was not made by anyone in the urban demographic (read: black people) because they would not write this kind of fvxery for the 8.85% –though I’m sure there was a “music director” who was like “yo, I got beats son.” This was probably written by the Lonely Island dudes, who I abhor. It is a mockery of hip-hop, totally irreverent. But is this really rap? Or just a caricature used to promote a product sold by rich people (read: white people) to the ever-willing masses. That includes me–and all of us who love to watch young men–who are by written contract property of the team “owners”–destroy each other every Sunday for our pleasure. Are you not entertained!? I can’t abide this shit.

Sports Illustrated on the clock to explain social transformation from phone in your football to football on your phone..


Ask The Eye To Be Or Not To Be

August 10, 2013

Dear Eye View,

My girlfriend and I are having a disagreement. I posed to her the following hypothetical situation: Would you rescue from fire and certain destruction the last surviving copy on earth of the complete works of Shakespeare or a single puppy? My girlfriend says that she would rescue the puppy because the puppy is a fellow living being. She is highly educated and claims to have great respect for Shakespeare. But I think my girlfriend’s choice is the wrong one. I would rescue the Shakespeare, not just because of the aesthetic enjoyment we get from his work but also because of all the moral insight it provides us (including possibly the insight that enables the concept of animal rights in the first place). We’ve argued a lot about this. I cannot take her answer seriously, but I find it rather disturbing nonetheless. She never rejected the hypothetical question out of hand or said that the two things aren’t even comparable. She says that preserving a living conscious thing is more valuable than preserving Shakespeare. My girlfriend loves animals, especially her poodle, and is a die-hard vegetarian. I am, on the other hand, obsessed with Shakespeare and rather neutral toward animals. What is the best way for us to defuse this situation?


Dear F

I understand your concern. Here’s your Shakespeare, brevity is the soul of wit. Tell her you would save the puppy….dumbass..

Hope this helps




Rock Festival Uses New Drone Beer Delivery System, Ready For Take Off

August 9, 2013

Revellers at a South African outdoor rock festival no longer need to queue to slake their thirst — a flying robot will drop them beer by parachute.After clients place an order using a smartphone app, a drone zooms 15 metres (50 feet) above the heads of the festival-goers to make the delivery.Carel Hoffmann, director of the Oppikoppi festival held on a dusty farm in the country’s northern Limpopo province, said the app registers the position of users using the GPS satellite chips on their phones. “The delivery guys have a calibrated delivery drone. They send it to the GPS position and drops it with a parachute,” he explained.
New air traffic controllers use drones for beer drop.